The first memory i have of her is from a vhs home movie. She had pigtails and a red Christmas party dress on. She couldn't have been older than 5 years of age. Young enough to still believe in Santa Claus and Jesus. She stood in front of a decked out Christmas pine singing songs about baby Jesus that she had learned for a school Christmas pageant. This was probably before anything had touched or tainted her fragile young mind. Probably.

If anyone had seen her at the time they would have known her as a social child, one that got along with everyone, teachers and peers alike. A talkative child that still hadn't seemed much more mature than her actual age. Any trouble that she had gotten into was strictly because she couldn't keep herself from vocalizing anything that had crossed her mind. Her grades were good, probably even better than most of the kids in her class.

I'm sure her parents were very proud of her. Their creative genes were passed on perfectly. They were hard working people. The mother worked morning shifts and the father worked nights which made for a somewhat disjointed home life. Their daily routine consisted of peeling the young child out of bed, breakfast, then a ride to school. Extended childcare after school was necessary as was the case for most children with working parents. Then a quick ride down the block to home where the mother cooked dinner and the two, sometimes three, ate at the dinner table while watching the evening news.

After awhile the extended childcare was no longer necessary and the child was picked up after school by her aunt along with her one year older male cousin. Everything was normal from the outside looking in as far as I can remember.

::Q&A::

Q:What happened to the words? Where did they go?

A:Drank them down with a bottle of pills.

Q:Does Gato love me?

A: You? No. Me? YES!OMGYES!

Q:Will I update this?

A:Prolly not. Right?!

::gone::

disappearing completely is a hard thing to accomplish. you could delete your facebook account, close your bank accounts, quit your job, lose your phone but you're always still somewhere right?

attention whoring, self absorbed, forgetful, useless, talentless, fat, unaccomplished, messy, irresponsible, spiteful, hateful, mindless, unfulfilled, slutty, inconsiderate, rude, mean, ugly, cold, depressing, evil, jaded, crazy, unique, quirky, witty, funny, creative, bold, spontaneous, fun, unforgetable, forever

it's all there and will always be until it's not.

::5-17-11::

words that i rhyme beat in time follow sign

if the cat chases yarn then the dime chases you

but i ride on the universe the planet it is

if you're not in the game

then what what do you play?

to each his own get your throne reap what you sew

take your time follow sign and I'll be sure to make it mine

:::PINK muthafuckin Hair:::

My positives on reserve are pretty much depleted by the end of the day. I feel drained of something but can't quite put my finger on it. It is not emotion 'cause I've been lacking the ability to feel. It is not tangible 'cause that would just be disgusting. It is something bigger, something outer, something more important than I can create within myself. The closest thing I could call it would be vibrations. Good vibrations...like the song. Sleep recharges me and that is what I use to carry me through the day. This is good enough for now, but I often wonder if it has to be this way forever. Can't I just be a constant ball of positivity throughout and not have to dole it out as needed. It's tiring. I feel drained, and I don't wanna feel like this at the end of every day.

Drainin' jams in the night in spite of the day. Wasted way too long I wait for a call but don't answer, 'cause tonite I'm a dancer. The cancer the past is gone, but it all comes back when I'm here. In the stillness there's still this illness that kills this mood, and the silence in spite of this I miss what was there.

Do you still care?

'Cause I do.

True, but whatever I hear it's clear that there's never 'eventually it'll all disappear.' In what seems to be dreams will be all will be real and a day won't come that you can't see the sun 'cause it's shrouded by clouds of despair.

Under sheets of devotion I carry one notion that fading in light deep through this night I can only hold one person true. But that one is long gone, hangs still in this song over days, over months, over years.

As the sun peeks up over mountains ablaze you can only hold hands for so long. Under covers if careful trust and persuasion turn my head to my pillow and wake up from below this new day and on with the show.